<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>If the fates allow by aryastark_valarmorghulis</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28176945">If the fates allow</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/aryastark_valarmorghulis/pseuds/aryastark_valarmorghulis'>aryastark_valarmorghulis</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Book 5: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, Canon Compliant, Christmas, Established Relationship, Happy Ending, M/M, Non-Explicit Sex, Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, OotP Era, POV Sirius Black, Sharing a Bed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:21:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,656</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28176945</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/aryastark_valarmorghulis/pseuds/aryastark_valarmorghulis</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>1995, Christmas at Grimmauld Place.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Sirius Black/Remus Lupin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>42</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>176</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>If the fates allow</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thank you so much to my wonderful Beta <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/violentthunder/pseuds/maraudorable">maraudorable</a>.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Um. Merry Christmas again, then,” Remus says, standing still next to the door left ajar, the landing behind him ready to swallow him into the darkness. He fidgets with the loose buttons of the cardigan he’s clutching in his hands, the one he left in Sirius’ bedroom a week ago –  his current excuse to follow Sirius there after everyone has gone to bed. </p>
<p>Remus doesn’t need an excuse – especially such a flimsy one – he can slip in Sirius’ bedroom and then leave as he pleases, but after fourteen years he only got better at self-deception, so it’s always something like <em> I wanted to show you this book </em> or <em> I’m getting a cup of tea, do you want one </em> or <em> I think I left my socks here</em>.</p>
<p>Sirius sits on his old bed, strokes the soft patchwork blanket Molly gifted him for a moment until he loses the very little patience he has left because Remus is being utterly ridiculous.  </p>
<p>“You know,” Sirius starts, “if you wanted to shag, it would be useful to actually come inside the room, maybe spell the door shut, take off some clothes, stop being weird – ”</p>
<p>Remus chuckles and averts his eyes and shakes his head like Sirius is the one being silly and not he himself – another skill he only got better at – but he quickly spells the door shut with a flick of his wand. </p>
<p>Sirius begins to undress, first unlacing his boots and removing his socks, stealing occasional glances: Remus calmly re-folds his cardigan and places it on the grey velvet armchair where a few of Sirius’ robes and trousers are thrown, all jumbled together, and then the whole room shimmers with magic for a moment – a powerful Silencing Charm. So he <em> does </em>want to shag, after all, and that’s a sweet conclusion to a Christmas that wasn’t actually half-bad. </p>
<p>Sirius gets under the covers, the fresh flannel sheets soft against his bare skin, tingling with a precious glint of anticipation – he didn’t believe he could get to have this again, even though he hoped so.</p>
<p>Remus, still fully clothed in the middle of the room, smiles his strange smile, the one where the corners of his mouth barely curl up and the lines around his eyes fan out. “You’re not wasting time,” he says, unfastening his corduroys.</p>
<p>“Do you really want <em> me </em>to make jokes about wasting time,” Sirius replies, and, with a certain dark amusement, he watches Remus shaking his head, the grey hairs catching the flickering light of the candles floating above them. </p>
<p>“No, I’m... I’m just happy to see you in a good mood, that’s all.” Remus removes the rest of his clothes quickly and efficiently, his bare body half in light and half in darkness like a painting. </p>
<p><em> Well, it won’t last long, </em>Sirius thinks, but he doesn’t want to disrupt the mood now that they’re finally about to fuck after a week. </p>
<p>“I’ll be in an even better mood soon if you get a move on,” he says, but then Moony is slipping under the covers next to him, his body warm and so familiar and yet new – news scars to learn and old scars to remember, a firmness in his arms that he didn’t possess at twenty. The inside of his thighs is still soft and fuzzy and freckled and so sensitive when Sirius mouths and licks and bites before taking Remus in his mouth. </p>
<p>After, they lie entangled under the covers, and Remus, as he often does lately, presses his cheek to Sirius’ chest, where his heart is slowly regaining its normal rhythm, which is a stark – and at first, startling – contrast to <em> before </em>. </p>
<p>Remus used to just lie there awkwardly, at first even unsure if they were allowed to kiss outside of sex, and towards the end he would merely turn his back to Sirius to hide his face. </p>
<p>Now sometimes he manages to fall asleep on Sirius’ chest and kisses his collarbone sleepily in the morning and strokes the runes inked on his ribs with rough-sweet fingertips. </p>
<p>Sirius wonders if it’s just time that made him sentimental or if some other lover taught Remus what Sirius himself never learned: tenderness. It’s one of those questions that burn less painfully if left unanswered, but Sirius can’t resist – he has wanted to know since that summer, when they kissed in Remus’ garden, kneeling between the Oleander shrubs they were pruning. So he asks. Maybe it won’t hurt that much with Remus in his arms, and anyway, they’ve hurt each other in worse ways. </p>
<p>“Did you love others when I was in Azkaban?”</p>
<p>“No,” Remus answers quickly, his fingers idly tracing shapes on Sirius’ side. </p>
<p><em> Oh, well</em>. Luckily Remus’ cheek is still pillowed on Sirius’ chest and the room is pretty dark anyway, so Sirius doesn’t have to hide the vindictive glee that must surely be painted on his face. “I’m sorry,” he says, after a beat.</p>
<p>“Oh, are you,” is all Remus answers, his voice low and rough but not unkind.</p>
<p><em> Bugger</em>. Moony still reads him without needing eye contact or light.</p>
<p>“No, not really,” Sirius confesses. “I guess I’m still an arsehole.”</p>
<p>At that, Remus actually lifts his head and looks at Sirius. “Don’t be silly, you’re not an arsehole.” He kisses his neck and goes back to his place, ear pressed against Sirius’ chest as if he needs to count his heartbeats to assure himself that he is alive and they’re both here. </p>
<p>Sirius doesn’t have it in him to argue and just raises his hand to stroke Remus’ ruffled hair. </p>
<p>He’s aware he behaves like an arsehole sometimes – he can see it in Molly’s eyes and sometimes even in Hermione’s and in Dumbledore’s cold avoidance. Remus has always been biased towards him – still is – and Harry... Well, all the Potters must have it in their blood to turn a blind eye to Sirius’ faults. </p>
<p>“It’s been a nice Christmas, even with Arthur still at St. Mungo’s, hasn’t it?” Remus says, changing the topic. “Harry liked his present and everyone seemed in good spirits.”</p>
<p><em> Even me</em>. Sirius hums, fingers playing with the short hair at the nape of Remus’ neck. “Yes. When do you have to leave?” he asks. </p>
<p>Remus sighs – it never bodes well for Sirius when he does that. “Oh, just after the New Year, the full is on the seventh –”</p>
<p>“Yes, I know when the full is. Alright.” He tries to keep down the anger and the envy – Remus has important work to do, he doesn’t just <em> leave </em>Sirius – but sometimes it bursts out, like a potion left simmering for too long. </p>
<p>“At least I won’t have to go outside and find someone else to shag on New Year’s Eve,” he jokes, trying to soften the harsh edge of his last words, but deep down he knows it’s the wrong joke to make. </p>
<p>It’s the kind of joke that elicits a new, long-suffering sigh from Remus, who fixes him with a stare that is sympathetic and stern at the same time; Sirius supposes it worked wonderfully on his students. </p>
<p>“I was only joking, Moony – obviously.” He smooths the worry lines on Remus’ forehead with his thumb, traces the crow’s feet at the corner of his eyes and the laugh lines around his mouth, an old cartographer studying a changed landscape. “Spare me the lecture about safety, alright? As a Christmas gift.”</p>
<p>Remus just smiles and with a distracted wave of his hand all the floating candles vanish, plunging the room into sudden darkness, except for a feeble spot of yellow wavering lazily on the floor: a string of fairy lights Crookshanks dragged in earlier as a gift for Sirius. He doesn’t like to sleep in complete darkness anymore. </p>
<p>“I don’t want to lecture you,” Remus replies, settling next to Sirius, their legs still tangled up, a hand placed on Sirius’ shoulder. “I’m not your… you know.”</p>
<p><em> Keeper. Guardian. Jailer. </em> “Watchwolf?” Sirius grins. He’s been wanting to use this one for a while and hasn’t had the occasion so far. </p>
<p>Remus laughs softly, breath tickling Sirius’ neck, and it warms him up inside, to say something silly and to hear his beloved laugh. </p>
<p>A yawn catches him off-guard; it’s been a long day, filled with excellent food and lovely people and more chatter than he’s heard in more than a decade, but exhaustion is finally settling in his bones. </p>
<p>“I just wish we were at your place, Moony,” he whispers. He can picture it: a white rundown little cottage of three rooms, surrounded by wild bushes, the front wall covered in overgrown ivy, the faded floorboards creaking at every step, the limescale marks staining the bathtub and the sink, the crickets singing at night, the narrow bed where they slept on top of one another. </p>
<p>“I distinctly remember you calling it a dump and being outraged I lived there for so long,” Remus says, a hint of humour in his sleepy voice.</p>
<p>“Well, your dump is better than mine – you can grow fond of it at least,” Sirius explains. He doesn’t say <em> we should’ve stayed there</em>, even if a childish part of him truly believes he should’ve. But he should’ve done a lot of things and he didn’t and now he regrets it and history repeats itself like an unsparing, unbreakable circle. </p>
<p>At least this time he won’t let Remus turn away on the other side of the bed. </p>
<p>Sirius grasps Remus’ waist too tightly and presses his nose below his ear and just breathes him in, to make sure this isn’t a dream or a nightmare or whatever lives in his mind at night, when the lights are out and everyone is alone with their own darkness. </p>
<p>“Looks like even you became soppy in your old age, Padfoot,” Remus mumbles, voice already slow and thick with sleep. </p>
<p>He longs to say so many things, but he only kisses Remus’ cheek and murmurs: “Night, Moony… Merry Christmas.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>find me on <a href="https://aryastark-valarmorghulis.tumblr.com/">tumblr</a>!</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>